Never Enough
About two months ago, I saw a viral Facebook post about the societal norms around gender roles. Sarah Buckley Friedberg, a mom of three, took to social media to vent about the unrealistic expectations upon women to do it all and be it all.
It’s true, many women feel pressure to successfully juggle multiple roles and make it look effortless. Why? In the United States, 71.5% of moms are in the workforce and also do a majority of household chores. In fact, the United Nations reports women do 2.6 times the amount of unpaid, domestic work men do.
While I could certainly relate to her post, these thoughts seemed silly once they were typed out. Silly because no man or woman could be 5 places at once or juggle multiple roles effortlessly. No one is a rock star at every.single.thing they do - career, parent, cook, cleaner, carpool driver, costume maker, baseball coach, homework helper, etc. It’s impossible to lose all the baby weight within 1 month. It’s impossible to not think about your kids while at work and not think about work while at home. So how did this ever become the expectation? Is this really society’s expectation or is it our own?
I read it out loud to my husband and asked him for his opinion. Full disclosure, we try really hard to be a 50/50 household. We split most of the chores - cooking, laundry, mowing the lawn, taking the garbage out, and daycare drop-off and pick-up. He said the disproportion of work became more apparent to him once we had our son; mainly because I carried the burden of feeding him and it took time out of my work day, not his, to pump/breastfeed. Bless his heart. However, he confirmed my suspicion the pressure to do it all was in my head. He said, “I never asked you to breastfeed. I could care less if our house is clean. Those things are important to you, not me, so that’s why you did them. I appreciate everything you do but I think you set the bar too high for yourself.” He was right.
Another problem with the, “No matter what I do, it’s never enough” mentality is you’ve already given up by thinking that. You’re playing the victim and committing yourself to despair. There is hope! No one ever said you had to do it all. You are enough!
What is the solution?
Ask for help!!! When my son was 4 days old (yes, you heard that right, days!), I invited people over for my husband’s birthday. I could not physically sit down without a pillow but I did the dishes by myself and hid in our bedroom to breastfeed. I never, ever asked for help. I’ve learned my lesson since then. Now I offer help to every new mama on the block because I know most are too proud to ask. People want to help, they really do. They just don’t want to step on your toes or make you uncomfortable. So ask your in-laws to watch the kids. Ask your friends if they can meet up for drinks when you need advice. Ask your coworker or employees to help with an overwhelming project. Don’t be the person who drowns because you’re too proud to accept the life raft.
We need to stop disseminating the myth that women do it all without help. The next time someone asks how you do it all, tell them you don’t. Admit you accept help. I love this example. Some days are really hard so it’s okay if you have a breakdown. Don’t feel like you have to present an image of having it together all the time!
Don’t shame the woman who has a full-time nanny, works late hours, stays home, takes her kids to daycare when she has the day off, eats out every meal, feeds organic-only meals, or hires someone to clean her house. This goes back to the first bullet. NO ONE can do it all, including you. We all have various strengths and weaknesses. Be proud of your strengths and cheer on the other women filling your weaknesses.
Separate your thoughts from your beliefs. Did someone actually say you should be doing x, y, and z or is this a lie you’ve told yourself so many times it’s become a belief? You can read more about this process here.
Do not ask women if they have mom guilt. Would you ask a dad that? Nope. When we ask this question, we are subconsciously teaching our children and others around us that women are ultimately responsible for child-rearing. Newsflash: both parents are responsible.
Integrate your roles, don’t segment. Bring your kids into work, explain what you do and why it’s important to you. Your children are most likely very proud of you! Don’t be afraid to talk about your personal life with coworkers; that’s a huge part of building relationships! [Please note, I talk a lot about working outside the home because that’s all I’ve known. However, it doesn’t matter if you work or stay at home. There isn’t a right or wrong way. What matters is your happiness and your family’s happiness.]
Ask your husband and children what makes them feel loved and happy. If you travel a lot, are they content with a FaceTime call? Would they rather go on vacation than get Christmas gifts? Perhaps a sit-down family dinner is more important to your husband than a clean house. It’s important you understand each other’s love language so you can prioritize tasks.
Finally, give yourself grace. After all, research shows successful women have the highest level of self-compassion. It is enough. You are enough!
For other productivity and work-life integration tips, check out my eBook.