I’m an Addict…You Are Too
Alcohol? Nope. Drugs? Nope. Smoking? Nope. Eating? Sometimes.
What could I possibly be addicted to? Working.
We live to work
Look around the office. Chances are either you or your coworkers are putting in 12 hours a day, logging back in at home, and checking email on the weekends. I learned early on during my career, this was the norm and it was expected. I felt like if I wanted to be successful, I had no choice but to prioritize my job over everything else in my life. Rather than working to live, we live to work.
We can’t handle vulnerability
Not only do Americans work more than any other country in the world (ILO), the United States is the most obese and has the most national debt. Why? According to author Brené Brown, it’s because we can’t handle vulnerability. What exactly is vulnerability? We feel vulnerable when we say, “I love you,” ask for a raise, start a business, find out we’re terminally ill, or watch our children move away. Instead of facing our fears and embracing our emotions, we medicate.
I used to think medicating literally meant medicine until I read Brown’s books. I never thought of myself as an addict. Ever. How could it be a bad thing to work, be productive, or stay busy? What I didn’t realize was my addiction to work meant I was tying my self-worth to productivity. I refused to accept this at first. I’ve always thought of myself as a confident person with high self-esteem. However, as I put the pieces together, the evidence was clear: I worked 3 jobs simultaneously through high school and college. I completed my MBA while working full-time, building a new home, and being pregnant. I never sit still. I can play with my son for 5 minutes at most before I feel the urge to wash dishes, do laundry, write a blog post, or check email. Yuck, that confession makes me cringe.
Perfect ≠ Worthy
At some point in my childhood, I formulated the equation: hard work + success = praise and happiness. I wasn’t the most athletic so I earned praise by getting good grades. However, a 4.0 GPA will not get you a full-ride scholarship to college. An internship in college does not guarantee a full-time job. Working 12 hours a day and checking email on the weekends does not secure a promotion, or employment, for that matter. I’ve witnessed many layoffs and I’m always surprised by how many hardworking, high performers are let go after 20-some years of loyalty. Deep down, I’ve come to believe it’s never enough. I am never enough. I have to do more and be more.
What’s your medicine?
When you’ve had a long day at work and you’re exhausted, what’s your medicine of choice? Do you grab the chocolate, wine, or cigarettes? Do you feel the impulsive need to work out, clean your house, scroll Instagram, gossip, or chase another dream rather than celebrate your latest accomplishment? It can be difficult to wrap your head around the concept a healthy habit, like working out, could be an addiction.
Here are 3 ways to differentiate a healthy habit from a numbing agent:
After you medicate, do you still feel unsatisfied? Did you devour a pint of ice cream without savoring it? Are you just scrolling through social media without reading or commenting?
Do you feel like you absolutely have to work out or have a glass of wine in order to take the edge off? Has it become an auto-pilot habit or are you present (living in the moment) and enjoying yourself?
What is the motivation behind your medicine? Are you gossiping to get revenge or working through the night to impress your boss? Obviously it’s not a good idea to have your self-worth dependent on other people’s opinions, since that is outside of your control. You end up chasing something that cannot be attained. At some point, they won’t care anymore. This is the reason people become depressed after losing their job. They lost the one thing that made them feel worthy. They lost their entire identity.
Vulnerability is such a huge part of our lives so we need to learn how to embrace it. The best example is love. You can’t love someone without being vulnerable. In order to be innovative, you must be willing to try and fail. In order to have faith, you must be willing to let go of certainty. In order to fully experience joy and happiness, you must avoid negative thoughts and fears.
Embrace your emotions and avoid numbing by:
Surrounding yourself by authentic people who are vulnerable. Authenticity is contagious (Brown).
Leaning into your fears. Ask yourself whether this is a rational fear and what the worst possible outcome is. Maybe it’s not so bad.
Asking yourself the questions above to select a healthy habit rather than a medicine. For more ideas, read this blog post.
Practice gratitude. This is a great go-to exercise to overcome anxiety, fear, stress, and negative thoughts. Write down 3 things you are grateful for or tell 3 loved ones why you appreciate them. This checklist will also come in handy.
Let go of perfectionism. Set more realistic expectations for yourself. Remind yourself of your accomplishments and celebrate them!
Practice self-compassion. Talk to yourself the way you would praise a toddler. Use the daily affirmations shown below.